This Is It

"There is the head," the ultrasound tech confirmed at yet another scan yesterday afternoon. And it is sandwiched between my ribcage.

Sometime in the past few weeks this baby flipped from head down to breech. There is no explanation as to how this happened - I haven't made any changes, I've been taking it very easy, and my stretched belly has little to no room available - and I am completely devastated. Another breech baby, in the footling position no less, means just one thing: another c-section. My dreams for the natural birth I so desperately wanted, and that I so believed in, have been dashed again and at 39 weeks this is it. There is no chance for an external cephalic version or chiropractic methods or acupuncture to try and turn this baby, this is it.

I can't help but feel guilty for being so emotional when the outcome is going to be a perfect, healthy child, but I am. I am also absolutely, positively terrified of going through this serious surgery for a second time. My first experience with a caesarean birth was scary and negative, it was painful and the long recovery was not something I ever wanted to experience again. Worse, I can't help but feel a loss for the natural birth that would have allowed me to have more children the way I have always dreamed of, at home. I feel cheated by my body prepared as it has prepared for labour over the last few weeks, getting heavier and more uncomfortable, starting and stopping contractions, and all the holistic remedies I have been taking in an effort to kick start labour now seem like a waste. I know things will be just fine, I just wanted this birth to be different.

Devastation aside, now we wait to hear if it will be today or tomorrow that our family changes forever as we welcome a new baby into our lives. I am excited to finally meet this little person who has kept me on my toes for months, to give Eloise the sibling she has been waiting for so patiently and to expand our hearts once again with love. This is it.