A Positive Birth

Now that I've had a few weeks to process it, Spencer's birth doesn't feel like the loss I expected. In fact, it was a really positive experience.

The word I would use to describe my birth is supported. Even though I did not have the natural delivery I wanted, I was supported every step of the way by an incredible team of healthcare professionals who made this birth so different, and so much better, than my experience with Eloise. First and foremost, my midwives from Midwifery Associates. Their expert care and attentiveness made me feel as if I was their only patient, rather than just another number. I also can't say enough good things about the caring team of obstetricians, anesthesiologists and nurses I encountered at Lions Gate Hospital.

My wait for surgery was a frustrating and emotional process, but once it was go time everything went quickly. The anesthesiologist took time to listen to my fears and did everything he could to make me comfortable throughout my surgery (a spinal block AND epidural definitely contributed). My midwife Gill never left my side, a huge change from being led down a series of hallways and down elevators into a huge OR at Women's Hospital, alone with nurses I had never met. Actually, the hospital experience at Lions Gate was just better overall. It's is a small hospital with a small maternity ward that is so quiet compared to Women's without a large volume of births happening all at once. The OR where I had my c-section was just steps away from my hospital room, not down an elevator and through a maze of corridors. But the best part of this hospital experience was the mutual respect between the doctors, nurses and the midwives. To have nurses say, "Oh you're Gill's patient, she likes things done like this," made it clear that everyone was working together. 

The first days and weeks of recovery following my caesarean were tough but at one month I feel good, and I am healing really well. Spencer's birth taught me that I don't have to have a natural delivery to feel positive about my birth experience. His was a much happier birth than I ever expected and you know what, I'd do it all over again. 

It's a...

When we were sent home from the hospital on Sunday with no conclusive details about my Caesarean for the third day in a row I was done. Done with waiting, done with the emotional roller coaster we have been on and utterly exhausted. The hospital is just five short blocks from home so we chose to walk back and for the remainder of what was a beautiful Mother's Day all I could manage was sleep. My emotions had gotten the best of me. Chris was an amazing support system as always; he took Eloise to Maplewood Farm, to the park, made her a picnic lunch and played with her happily in the garden so I could rest.

I woke up feeling better but famished from yet another day of fasting in preparation for potential of surgery that night. I wasn't hopeful that it would really happen but a few hours of sleep allowed me the energy to venture out into the sunshine. I joined our family in the garden and read, expecting to continue this painful wait for baby for another night but at 4:30 a phone call from labour & delivery informed me to come to the hospital right away, they were ready for me. You had better believe Chris and I soared down the hill to the hospital. 

I was understandably terrified of this C-section but put at ease by the wonderful team around me. My midwife Gill never left my side, the anesthegiologist listened closely to my concerns and helped me feel comfortable and Chris was my rock. This birth was nothing like my first. I wasn't cold and shaking, I didn't feel alone or even that afraid once things had started. I was assured by a very supportive medical team that I was going to do great, and I did. 

At 6:46pm our new bundle came into the world weighing 8lbs 1oz and measuring 53 centimetres. I am amazed at how this long little person fit inside me but it does put into perspective some of the discomfort I felt all those months of my pregnancy. When they pulled the baby out Chris was the one to say, "It's a boy!" and I know he would agree those may just be the best three words he has ever said. 

Our little man is here and he is perfect from tip to toe. He has long legs and even a little chub, proving that the additional three weeks spent in utero were important to his growth. He is so calm that we have heard him cry just once in the delivery room and he is already feeding well. We're very much in love. 

Welcome to the world, Baby. 

This Is It

"There is the head," the ultrasound tech confirmed at yet another scan yesterday afternoon. And it is sandwiched between my ribcage.

Sometime in the past few weeks this baby flipped from head down to breech. There is no explanation as to how this happened - I haven't made any changes, I've been taking it very easy, and my stretched belly has little to no room available - and I am completely devastated. Another breech baby, in the footling position no less, means just one thing: another c-section. My dreams for the natural birth I so desperately wanted, and that I so believed in, have been dashed again and at 39 weeks this is it. There is no chance for an external cephalic version or chiropractic methods or acupuncture to try and turn this baby, this is it.

I can't help but feel guilty for being so emotional when the outcome is going to be a perfect, healthy child, but I am. I am also absolutely, positively terrified of going through this serious surgery for a second time. My first experience with a caesarean birth was scary and negative, it was painful and the long recovery was not something I ever wanted to experience again. Worse, I can't help but feel a loss for the natural birth that would have allowed me to have more children the way I have always dreamed of, at home. I feel cheated by my body prepared as it has prepared for labour over the last few weeks, getting heavier and more uncomfortable, starting and stopping contractions, and all the holistic remedies I have been taking in an effort to kick start labour now seem like a waste. I know things will be just fine, I just wanted this birth to be different.

Devastation aside, now we wait to hear if it will be today or tomorrow that our family changes forever as we welcome a new baby into our lives. I am excited to finally meet this little person who has kept me on my toes for months, to give Eloise the sibling she has been waiting for so patiently and to expand our hearts once again with love. This is it.



 

The Right Way Down

I've mentioned my fairly consistent discomfort during this pregnancy and it occurred to me as I was lying on the couch with a heat pack to my sore ribs, again, that there are some major similarities to how I felt near the end of my pregnancy with Eloise. As I prodded around my belly trying to locate the baby's head down low I came up with what felt more like a bum, an obvious explanation of how it can feel like something is running on my bladder and bruising my ribs at the same time. I shared these concerns with my midwife at my last appointment and she confirmed that my fears could be correct and that this baby may be breech just like their sister was. I'm scheduled to go in for an ultrasound in a few weeks to confirm the position and if breech is the case I will be doing everything I can to get this baby head down.

When it comes to birth I have never been afraid. I have a strong belief in the process and in the natural abilities of my body. I am, however, terrified of having another caesarian section. My experience with Eloise's birth was not positive, it was scary. I had a pompous a**hole of an operating OB and as I had never experienced anesthesia of any sort before I was completely unaware of how my body would react. By the time I reached the operating room I was shaking in fear and my fears proved true as my spinal started to wear off around the time they pulled Eloise out. The pain was starting to become unbearable so once I saw Eloise and knew she was okay I gave the anesthesiologist the go ahead to put me under a general anesthetic and woke up in recovery a few hours later, still completely doped. The truth is, I don't remember a whole lot about those first 12 hours and it scares me to think about the same thing happening for a second time. Safety is always first, but it will take a lot of convincing and some pretty awesome medication to get me to the point of being comfortable having another c-section. 

Thankfully time is still on my side. In the last few days I have had a ton of movement but no rib pain which I can only hope means that baby is in the process of getting cozy with their head down. If the ultrasound confirms a breech baby I really will try everything: external cephalic version, acupuncture, head stands, moxabustion, voodoo, hell, give me all of it, I want this kid the right way down.

What to Pack When You're Expecting

If last year was the year of weddings, this one is most definitely the year of babies. Several of my good friends are expecting their first babies between now and August and I am beside myself excited. I am delighted to soon have more friends to share in the experience of motherhood, especially since some of us have been friends since we were preschoolers.

I have many words of advice to share with all these expectant mothers but none more repetitively than, "pack your hospital bag early." I know it seems obvious, but if there is one thing that can make a difference to a soon-to-be or brand new mom at a place as unpleasant as the hospital it is having a few creature comforts from home. I can vouch for this because I outright ignored the warning of my prenatal masseuse to have my hospital bag ready to go. In fact, when I did go into labour at 36 weeks I was in complete denial so I just stuck my toothbrush in my purse and grabbed my pillow to head to the hospital 'just in case'. Eloise was born that night of course and we ended up staying at the hospital (around 40 minutes from home I might add) for nearly five days. I didn't even bring a bra!

Thankfully my supportive family and friends helped by bringing the essentials but I know that I would have been happier had I organized myself. Not to mention poor Chris who arrived in his work clothes that night and slept on a mat on our hospital room floor the entire time.

So fellow mamas, not sure what to pack for the hospital? Here is a list of what I consider to be the essentials.