Friday, August 29, 2014


This summer has flown by faster than any I can remember. Every day since mid-July seems to have bled into the next and I am feeling particularly guilty about working so much and letting Eloise down in the process. She wakes up with such gusto and always asks, "What are we going to do today?" It breaks my heart to too often say, "Mama has to work."

I always hope that work will take less time than it does, and I make lofty plans in my head that we will be able to head out for the afternoon, but it hasn't worked out much that way lately. In between work there is baby feeding and multiple nap times, both of which most successfully happen at home. I try to take little breaks throughout the day to play, get Eloise involved in preparing meals and caring for Spencer, but it just doesn't feel like enough. Every day she grows a little more and gets a little bigger and I am becoming so afraid of missing out on this time in her life without even knowing it.

At my wedding last weekend the bride and her father danced to Lullabye by Billy Joel. It had been forever since I had heard this song and I found myself sitting at the back of the room, weeping silently. I broke down because every lyric rang so true to this stage in Eloise's life. All of the questions and the little stories and songs she has for me every day, one day they won't be there because she will be grown and I will no longer be the centre of her universe. One day she won't have the patience to call my name until I finally answer to tell me something special.

I am struggling as I write this because it makes me so emotional. I feel like I have really let Eloise down this summer by not giving her enough of my undivided attention, by expecting too much of her and not playing as much as I should. Our business has just been growing so quickly and with Spencer's birth my attention is divided in so many directions. September will bring the relief of routine as school starts up and weddings slow down, but I have some time I need to make up to Eloise.

Eloise often asks me to sing her a song at bedtime but usually I am so tired that I can't find the words for much more than Twinkle Twinkle. In trying harder I can at least commit to a bedtime song and Lullabye may be the perfect one.

Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel) - Billy Joel

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

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